What to do on a first date (if you're female)

What to do on a first date (if you're female)

This section may be affected by the fact that I am not a woman. And therefore I cannot offer you any tricks that have 'worked for me', obviously. Fortunately for all you double Xs out there* I have, by observation, consultation and fabrication constructed this handy guide.

*(Double X (XX) refers to the names of your sex chromosomes. You did know this, right? Of course you didn't.)

Before we can get to the 'how to bag a shag' section, we first need to establish exactly what sort of person you are. Are you good looking, or passable, or vaguely good looking to an optimist in a poor light, or... Not...

To work this out, I have decided to use a quiz. And to any males reading this section: Take note, make your own analysis of the women you meet using this table, too.

1 - Do you have any of the folowing features: (Add a point for each)

A way of moving that makes your coat swoosh around you.

A smouldering gaze

A sense of humour

A light, tinkly laugh

Long, flowing hair

Perfect breasts (It doesn't matter what size they are, so long as they objectively look good.)

A sexy walk

Deep, vibrant eyes

An easy-going personality

A beautiful smile

Lots of good looking friends (2 point if you have lots of good looking friends, as good looking friends give you a great indication that you, yourself, are good looking.)


2 - For the following features that you possess you must deduct a point.

Nasal hair that exceeds 1cm in length or that protrudes from your nostrils

A facial scar

A broken nose

Obviously missing teeth ( - 2 points for several missing teeth)

A wooden limb ( again, - 2 points if you have more than one fake limb)

A child (-2 points if it's with you. -3 points if it's holding something sticky. -4 points if it's wailing AND holding something sticky AND is using its sticky thing to paint the walls.)

A missing eye (Although if you have a tasteful glass eye then only deduct half a point)

A really ugly best friend that follows you everywhere.

A propensity for being likened to a horse (If people often mention your horsiness then deduct 5 points)

A personality that is one of the following: Possessive, disruptive, manic, depressive, manic depressive, schizophrenic

Piercings that are not in your head. (And -1 if you have more than 8 small facial piercing (And that's me being generous since I know that some of you seem to think that having metal hanging out of your face is "dead stylish". I'd deduct 2 points for this alone, but some males inexplicably find this attractive also. Remember, though, that all of the ones like me (i.e the Great ones) will find it irksome.)

And for each of the following places that you have body hair then deduct a point: upper lip, in between your eyebrows, knuckles, elbows, the back of your knees, on your jaw, anywhere in your mouth and in your ears.

Now, add up those points.

Do you have +3 or more? Then WELL DONE, you're good looking. See the first section below for advice on how to behave on dates.

Did you score between +2 and -2? Then you are not-bad looking, nor completely unattractive . Give the good looking section and the following section a read and take advice as you see fit.

Less than -2? Oh dear. You're going to need a bit of help with getting chaps to find you attractive. See the section for people. See the section for the not-so good looking for that essential advice on all things romantic.

Less than -8? Don't you even think about going out on any dates. Stay indoors. Don't yet despair, however, see the "So you look like a horse?" guide below, and soon you may well be in the -2 to -8 range. Hurrah!

Less than -10? Stay indoors.

Less than -12? Stay undergound.

Less than -16? How did you manage to get a score this low? You must be trying to look COMPLETELY gruesome to all around you. If not, then its just as well you read this book. Wear it over your head so no one sees you, run back to your cave, and hide under a rock until death mercifully takes you. See the "So you look like you should live in a pond?" section while you wait for the grim reaper.

Right, now that you have been handily and insultingly classified, on with the first-date guides!


How to Bag a Shag:

If you are good looking then do the following. (This works 24/7, not just on dates):

Laugh charmingly.

Look pretty.

That's it. Everyone will do whatever you want, all of the time. (If people don't do whatever you want all of the time then you may have added up your points incorrectly.)

If you are... not so good looking:

O.K, you are going to need to use all of your natural assets to pull this one off, but you can do it. You go girl...

Make him feel important. Ask him questions about his life, job, family, studies- whatever. Men like to feel like they're the centre of the universe, so exploit this to the maximum extent that you possibly can.

Is that not working for you? How about joining in with his enjoyment of 'manly' activities. Sports, for instance. Discus football or some crap like that.

Still no luck? Well, do the pair of you share an interest? If so, splendid. Discuss the myriad intricacies of whatever your common interest is, whether a hobby, activity or... you know, whatever it is.

And if all else fails?

Offer to felate him.

Too extreme? Then the subtle approach is more likely to be your style...

Simply allude to the fact that the taste of semen and/or testicle is not entirely unappealing to you.

Feeling stylish and confident? (N.B if you are always confident then you may be 'good looking' in which case see the preceding section. If not, then read on...) Lick your lips- Then say "Do you know what I like the taste of?" He will shake his head, or shrug. Then you should toss your hair, meet his eyes, let a flicker of a smile play across your lips, and say, frankly and assuredly: "Cock." Do all of that (And do it properly) and you're sure to knock him dead with your radiating sexuality. UNLESS he has read this book, in which case he'll laugh at you (and probably distribute a 4PPS (See pimping section).)

Desperate?

Then do the thing from 'Basic Instinct'. (If you don't know what this is then don't bother finding out. Trust me, if you don't already know then you're not the sort to try it.)

And remember, most women fall under this category. That's why the good looking ones can get away with just sitting there, blinking, and watch as men flock to them like flies round a delicious, oozing cake. But you can get one of their rejects if you try really hard.

So you look like a horse?

Good luck, horse-face.

What were you expecting? Advice?... OK: Wear a bag over your head, horse-face.

So you look like you should live in a pond?

Then go and live in one.


© 2007 AngelineBubbles